“Ruminations, Reflections...”

As we face the start of a brand new year, I keep thinking about the wisdom of a wonderful quote by Abraham Lincoln: “It’s not the years in your life that matter, it’s the life in your years.”

This, in turn, reminds me of a former high school teacher I know who, rushing between classes one day was stopped by a student who asked him in all earnesty, “What is the meaning of life?”  My friend, for once speechless, told the student to meet him after the next period although he had no idea what he would say.  When he saw the boy again, without even thinking he heard himself reply, “To me, the meaning of life is to live a life of meaning.”  I love that story!

But what, exactly, is a life of meaning?  The answer, of course, varies from person to person.  Life holds so many options and choices.  We who are fortunate to be able to pursue our dreams are both grateful and ambivalent about having the luxury to ask ourselves, “What should I do?  How can I be of best service both to myself and others?”

Themes related to the human condition, challenges we face, and transitions we go through – both our uniqueness and interconnectedness – fascinate me.  Perhaps it’s my background as an educator and life coach that’s led me to ponder, both inwardly and with others, philosophical observations and questions about human nature and what motivates us to make the choices we make at all stages of our lives.  We constantly face forks in the road and wonder if we should change course.  Those of us who wish to contribute to society at large may ask ourselves what we want to be remembered for.  “What imprints do I want to leave behind, so that I can feel that my life made some kind of a difference, however small, for the greater good?”

Sometimes it’s planned out – when college students think about choosing a career, when adults decide (or are forced) to change careers, when retirees think about how to fill the next chapter of their lives… even when school children and teens get together in groups to work on projects of community service.  Sometimes it's spontaneous -- those "random acts of kindness" we hear so much about.

Some people find meaning in giving of themselves directly – healing the sick, raising the young, caring for the elderly.  Others find meaning in advocacy or charitable activity – promoting the health of our planet, participating in social and/or political action regarding causes important to them, or even amassing enough material wealth to be able to contribute substantially to philanthropic organizations.  The question for each of us is: “What is MY calling?  Is there a little voice in my head urging me to get involved, to do more?  Is it time to heed that inner voice?”

Not to say that it’s easy to determine what path to follow, what type of mark one wants to make.  But small as each of our individual “legacies” may be, each is important and creates unimaginable ripple effects.  I invite anyone who’d like to explore these topics further to join me in this ongoing and fascinating conversation.  One never knows how the sharing of insights and experiences can lead to greater understanding all around.

In the meantime, I’d like to wish a Happy 2013 to all, and to thank my followers for joining me in my own journey of the past year.  I hope to get to know many more of you in the coming year!

~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC

“There’s Something in the Air”

As I write this, the colors of fall are quickly fading and leaves are drifting in the wind.  But somehow, in a peculiar way, certain other things are coming more sharply into focus.  Storm Sandy reminded many of us to count our blessings and not take as much for granted.  The colder weather (where I live) and shorter days have brought with them the corresponding holiday season and all its inherent busyness.  Even the animals seem more alert, as if to guard us from Nature’s threats they know more intimately than do we.

We just went through a national election, a referendum on directions Americans want our country to take.  Though clearly still divided in many ways, citizens have made their differing voices heard in a way that not many expected.  Whatever one’s political views and whether one is pleased with the results of the vote or not, we have witnessed – and I believe must celebrate – the participation and engagement in the democratic process of so many concerned individuals.  That, in itself, brings focus and proof that we all do care about this great nation of ours.  In my opinion we need to continue our activism between elections so that many of our societal and economic problems – both domestic and international – can be addressed in a spirit of bipartisan collaboration.

What else is going on?  Indeed, the air seems to be abuzz these days, with activity and energy.  Perhaps it’s partly because we’ve finally let go of the “carefree” days of summer and entered full swing into the “serious” part of the year – children have their studies, sports, clubs, and many other activities to keep them (and us) occupied.  Parents have their hands full keeping everyone safe, fed, and warm while also chauffering kids around and helping them with homework.  High school seniors are starting the process of applying to college or figuring out alternative routes to pursue.  Many of us are busy with work, friends, picking up the pieces after unexpected challenges, helping our own parents, grown children or other relatives, and bracing ourselves for the winter months right around the corner.

What will this winter be like?  Some in the northeast hope for mercifully mild weather, others want to go skiing and actually find some snow!  If we’re lucky, we look forward to vacations – and perhaps visits to warmer places where we may find a respite from the cold.  Grandparents and grandchildren enjoy their cozy, happiest of times together, with cookies baking in the oven and bedtime stories passed down through the generations.  I remember the one my grandfather told me when he tucked me in at night – looking back, it was a silly story, one he’d made up, but it put me to sleep feeling thoroughly loved, cherished, and adored every time.  I told it to my own son when he was small, with the same result.  I hope someday he’ll tell it to his children and grandkids.

As I look ahead to 2013, I’m sure the new year will usher in certain changes – both at home as well as in the “outside world.”  Let us resolve to embrace positive energy, joy, and commitment to growth as each one of us, in our own way and according to our own talents, contributes what we can to create an ever more uplifting society where people reach out their hands to one another both in good times and bad.

“Season’s Turning Point”  

Ah, September… a peculiar time of year, sort of.  When you think about it, so many other months of the year just sort of blend into and out of one another.  But not September.  September is like the start of a new chapter in a book.  Maybe even the first chapter.  For even though it is not technically the start of a new year, September for many of us represents just that.

With September comes the end of summer – barbecues, swimming pools, day camp, family vacations, outdoor special events(!), and brutally hot weather.  With September comes the start of noticeably shorter and cooler days (usually!), the smell of crisp, fall-like air.  Strolls around the valley.  Bike rides.  The first glimpse of color in the trees.

Most of all, September signals children going back to school.  Trips to the store for bookbags and school supplies.  Take out the cooler weather clothing.  Pack healthy food snacks in lunch boxes.  See who the new teachers are, and whether Mom and Dad will still be able to help with this year’s homework!

September feels to most of us like getting back to the old routine.  Some folks experience this as a relief, others as a letdown.  We may head back to the gym after a couple of months spent outdoors.  We may resume going to the movies rather than to all those picnics and water amusement parks.  We may start serving soup instead of so many exotic salads.

To me it’s always seemed not coincidental that immediately following September comes the long season of monthly holidays, right through to Memorial Day.  We need something to look forward to on a regular basis, and with the passing of summer that’s especially true.  So we get Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanza, New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Passover, April Fool’s, and even more sprinkled throughout.

Oh well, on this bittersweet occasion of the year’s book turning a page, I think of the refrain from the old song – “To everything, turn, turn, turn….  There is a season, turn, turn, turn…..”  Furthermore, who knows what exciting times await us in the coming year?  I, for one, am eager, enthusiastic, and more than ready to find out!

I trust you are as well!

“Reality TV – What’s the Deal?”

So, what to make of this phenomenon that’s been sweeping the airwaves for the last few years, namely Reality TV?

Personally, when the trend started I wanted nothing to do with it.  But here I am today, an openly out-of-the-closet Reality junkie.  How did this transformation take place?  Well, for one thing after dipping my toe in, I started to find some of the shows intriguing – admittedly, in a voyeuristic kind of way.  And I suspect that’s true of most who indulge.  While those who participate in the shows may be seeking 15 minutes of fame, those of us who watch are seeking 45 minutes of pure and delightful brain candy.  Escape.

Come to think of it, the economy may have more than a little to do with it.  We’re living in such uncertain times, many fearful for their livelihoods on a daily basis, and with all the tension that such an environment entails.

We need our “comfort” breaks, as much as schoolchildren like their milk and cookies.  This has always been true, and television has always satisfied a need to “get away from it all.”  The millions who enjoy watching sports on television experience temporary release from the daily grind, the never-ending responsibilities of daily life.  This is true of most TV, except notably the news.

But there’s another ingredient, I believe, in the new type of Reality shows – the Housewives of various cities, the Matchmaking mavens, the Cooking competitors, the Real Estate husslers.  In these, viewers see if they can identify in some way with the “cast” members.  Water cooler conversations often revolve around assessments of this one or that, and they’re not necessarily kind.

Some shows surely do lead to societal awareness of important issues – one show raised both domestic abuse and suicide.  When that kind of thing happens, the public education that takes place can have a positive ripple effect.

But for the most part, I believe the popularity of Reality TV today stems from a need on the part of stressed-out and perhaps slightly insecure viewers to nab a chance at feeling a bit superior, a bit smarter.  By watching these shows in the midst of the chaos that’s become our frenzied society, we can sit back – even if just for a moment – and have a chuckle at someone else’s expense for a change.  After all, they put themselves in that position, so we're not being too nasty.... are we?

Food -- Sustenance or Self-Sabatoge

I had a life coaching client recently whose presenting problem was that she didn't have the willpower not to overeat.  This client, who agreed to my telling her story as long as she remained anonymous, was not even near obese.  But she was, in middle age, finding it harder and harder to fit into the clothes she'd bought just a year earlier.  At first she had herself convinced that it was a medication side effect, but after months of struggling, she'd had to admit to herself that it was her own overeating and sedentary lifestyle that was making it impossible for her to lose weight.

Susan, we'll call my client, said it was the same story, day after day.  She'd start off in the morning with good intentions, setting in her mind a limit to how much she would eat that day (usually based on how "bad" she'd been the day before) and planning to do some sort of exercise.  By evening Susan was exhausted from her day -- even though (or rather, because) she hadn't gotten to exercise at all -- and she'd finally allow herself to plop down in front of the television.  Well now, somehow watching TV just wasn't the same without a bowl of ice cream.  And then, since she'd already "blown it," Susan moved on to cookies, chips, and whatever goodies she'd meant to deny herself.

Susan's great frustration stemmed from her feeling of powerlessness and helplessness -- her sense of being out of control when it came to her eating.  But as we dug deeper into what was really going on, we discovered that what Susan was actually doing with food was punishing herself.  Indeed, half the time she was gulping down fattening snacks she wasn't even hungry -- she was full!  And uncomfortable!  But she was using food as a tool to punish herself, day after day.  Because each time it happened, she just felt worse about herself, and often canceled plans for the next day for fear of what she'd look like.

Then we had to ask, but why?  Why was Susan punishing herself?  What was it that was so "bad" about her that she needed to hurt herself?  A bit more digging, and we found the root of the problem.  Susan was a perfectionist who had gotten into the habit, over the years, of expecting everything single task she did -- little or big -- to be perfect.  She also expected herself to accomplish an impossible number of tasks every day.  This was true both at work and at home.  When she inevitably failed to measure up to these self-imposed expectations, Susan sabatoged all her efforts to achieve... by overeating.

There was something else, too, at the root of the problem.  Fear.  Fear of both failure and success.  On the one hand, Susan feared that she wouldn't be able to accomplish her short- or long-term goals, and her overeating was a way of unconsciously proving herself right... that she was, what she considered, a "failure."  On the other hand, what she considered her unattractiveness shielded Susan from feeling any "outer success" was truly possible.  And to her mind, such success would necessarily force her to live up to yet higher and more impossible standards... something she dreaded.

When Susan finally figured out that food wasn't the real problem, she was able to gain a new perspective and create realistic goals for herself -- both in what she expected to achieve, work-wise, and vis-a-vis how to take better care of herself both emotionally and physically.  

Today she fits in a good many of her small-sized clothes.  But she no longer relies on her size to determine her happiness.

 "Single and Lonely?"

I was thinking today about how much my life has changed in the past two years.  That's because it's just over two years ago since I met my new husband, David.  But you see, this is a second marriage for both of us.  My first marriage ended in the early 1990s, so I spent many years (20, actually) as a single person.  I was also a mother raising a young son, and my focus was largely on making sure he grew up unscathed, indeed that he thrived.  Hurray!  That goal was met, and it was time for me, so said my friends, to focus on ME.

Easier said than done, as anyone in the single, dating world knows -- whether you're divorced, a widow, a parent, or never been in a long-term relationship at all.  Where to begin?  Especially if it's been a long time since you dipped your toes into the dating ocean out there!

First of all I'd call attention to the title of this piece.  Do you necessarily have to be lonely just because you're single?  I think that if I had felt lonely when I started "making myself available to meet men," I never would have met my match.  I know it's cliche, but I really believe (and know, through personal experience) that you have to be WHOLE yourself, comfortable with your solitude (vs. loneliness) in order to be able to find and thrive in a healthy relationship.

My attitude when I started out was, "Look, I have a wonderful, happy life.  I have a great son, wonderful parents and extended family, more than my fair share of friends, my health, and work that I love.  If I happen to meet a man and it works out, great... it will be icing on the cake.  If I don't, I'll still have this wonderful life I started out with."

Well, the ironic thing is that by approaching the "dating game" with that attitude, not only did I find a fabulous guy, but I learned that he is NOT the "icing on the cake."  He is a big, delicious, generous piece of the cake.

But you can't have that cake if you don't first have all the ingredients and recipes necessary to make yourself a healthful, nutritious first course meal.  Translation: Work on your "stuff" first, get your own house in order, and then you'll be ready to share it with just the right person... and you'll be in a position to know who that person is!

Happy Hunting... but here's to your happiness as you hunt!

Serenity Sunday is here! I was inspired to write this little "ditty" when I awoke this morning and looked over to my side:

WHO KNOWS BEST?

"Little Miss Hailey
Knows how to chill out.

Just ask her, she’ll tell you
Without any doubt

How to spend Sunday
With nary a care

Just taking it in
No worries, no hassles
No stresses, no scares

You see, Hailey knows
How to do this, she does
After years of research
With boxes and fuzz

'Serenity Sunday?'
Says she, clearly bored
I do it whenever I want,
Supine cat from the bed
Does roar."

"Navigating  Life's Transitions"

Metaphorical steps, roads, paths, doors, windows, stairs, bridges – they’re all a part of our lives’ journeys.  And they all represent transitions of sorts, many unexpected.  How do you make sense of things when you find yourself at a stage of your life where you never imagined you’d be?  How do you cope, adjust to a totally unforeseen circumstance?

Perhaps you’re single and lonely at an age when you thought you’d be part of a couple.  Perhaps you’re going through a devastating divorce, or even a custody battle.  Perhaps you’ve graduated from college and can’t find a job in your field.  Perhaps you’ve worked hard and been a loyal employee for many years, and you’ve been laid off just as you were about to retire, the rug pulled out from under you.   Perhaps your home is going into foreclosure or you’re facing the loss of your business.  Perhaps you have an illness that’s cramping your style, or someone you love is ailing, even dying.  Perhaps you’ve lost a beloved pet.

Or on the other hand… Perhaps you’ve just been married or entered a loving relationship.  Perhaps you’ve started a long-awaited family.  Perhaps you’ve moved to a great new area, purchased a new home that you love.  Perhaps you’re gainfully employed, have no financial worries, and you and your family are doing just fine.  You’re healthy, fit, and have everything you need.

The ironic thing is that any combination of scenarios in the above two descriptions can (and usually do) happen to all of us, at different times in our lives.  That’s because change is an integral part of life, and that’s just the way it is.  We ride a roller coaster of ups and downs, we all do – it’s part of the human condition.  Nothing stays the same.

So the question, again, is how do we deal with all this?  What are our reactions to outside circumstances?  Our emotions may range from depression to shock to anger, to anxiety and fear, to surprise and excitement, and ultimately to joy at the prospect of new opportunities for growth.  It’s almost a cliché, for sure, but I feel it’s so true that it bears repeating:  It’s not what happens on the outside, it’s how we respond on the inside that really matters.

Some folks are mighty adaptable.  They are the enviable ones who go with the flow, roll with the punches, take it on the chin and move forward.  They are confident that whatever comes their way they’ll be able to handle and come out stronger on the other end.

Then there are those – many – who have a much harder time.  When bad times come, these folks may accept “in their heads” that “this too shall pass” and better times will return, but they find it much more difficult to convince their hearts.  These are the folks who, though often very capable and intelligent, are also quite sensitive.  They seek to stay out of the kitchen when it gets too hot.  They’re not quite sure if they can handle the heat, although they’d like very much to think that they can.  They often enter a vicious cycle of berating themselves for “failing,” as well as failing to cope, which only makes the original situation worse.

But the good news is that there’s help.  In this day and age, we’ve come far enough in our knowledge of human emotions and psychology, and the mind/body connection, that those going through difficult times have available to them a plethora of resources to help steer them back to a happier road, no matter what’s going on in their lives.

There is a shed chockful of tools to ease the journey… indeed, to turn what may have seemed a severe stab in the back into the beginning of a whole new and more fulfilling life.  We need to at least be open to this possibility, for one never knows what awaits on the other side of the door that just closed with a bang behind us. 

It’s largely up to us, with a caring and helping hand if we need one… and then it’s what we make of it.

 “Away from it All…?”

It’s always interesting to me what happens when I leave home for a bit.  Some of you know that my husband and I just returned from such an adventure.  Well, let me put it this way.  “Mixed Bag” is putting it mildly!

Have you ever noticed that both preparing to go and returning home are like the stale pieces of bread surrounding sumptuous sandwich fillings inside?  I don’t know about others, but I procrastinate when getting ready to leave and then stress out at the last minute.  Arriving home at the end of an idyllic week is worse!  I feel disoriented and discombobulated.  I know I have a million things to do, but I have no idea where to begin!  Telling myself, “One thing at a time” seems to do me no good on these occasions.  And the traveling… well, for some reason, the process of traveling appears to put us in the ripest state for arguing!  About the silliest things!

I find all this tremendously ironic, in that time spent away, in new surroundings and a change of scenery, is time intended for all good things – relaxation, reflection, the Great Outdoors, family, love, and fun.  And indeed, while on vacation, these are the moods we cherish and enjoy.

I guess I just wish that more of those feelings would last, that we wouldn’t even need to go away, that we could just – at will – summon up the best of what’s within us and each other.  I suppose my goal would be to be able to more often take a mini-vacation from all the “busy-ness” in our lives, right in our own backyard.

And I guess that the more I think about it, the more I know it is possible.  One just has to make being, listening, laughing, loving, and soaking in the moment a priority.  If all that is already on the list, it needs to move to the top of the list.  This is what we've already begun to do, and we're already reaping the benefits.

Anyone care to join us in this every-day's-an-adventure venture?

 

How Can We, Together, Create a More Compassionate World?

Obviously, this question is of such great magnitude that I would never presume to have a neat little answer.  However, I've been thinking that maybe there are baby steps we can take -- just a beginning, to build greater compassion into our lives and the lives of others.  Once we take these steps, we may think of other steps, until a groundswell domino effect for the better is in full swing.  Call me an idealist, but here's my contribution -- just a few starting points:



1. Teach our children well.  Make caring about others, especially others less fortunate, as high a priority in the curriculum as math and reading.  Require community service of all our young people before they graduate, from high school and/or college.


2. Model what we say.  It's not enough to talk about compassion and tolerance.  We need to align our actions, on a daily basis, with this noblest of core values.  Is there someone we know -- or don't know -- who could use a helping hand?  Is there a cause that we feel deeply about?  Can we make a financial contribution or a contribution of our time and energy?  The more people set the example, the more others -- young and older alike -- will be motivated to follow suit.


3. When choosing our life's work, we should consider not only what it may do for our own pocketbooks, but also what it will contribute to society at large.  We need to ask ourselves the ultimate question:  What do I want my legacy to be?


4. We must show compassion and caring toward ourselves.  When we are too harsh on ourselves, too judgmental, we automatically become that way with everyone around us.  We expect perfection, and that is not possible.  Indeed, it is the practice of compassion that will lead us the closest we can get to perfection.


5. Act with kindness at home, for "home is where the heart is," and everything flows from there.  If we consciously treat our loved ones with respect and dignity, we (and they) will gradually and automatically extend that type of behavior out into our neighborhoods, communities, and society at large.




So, I challenge us to work on these five "baby steps," to begin the process of creating greater peace, harmony, and compassion in our world.  They're only the beginning.  I'd love to hear more ideas, and ways we can do even more once we have them mastered!




                                                   ~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC 

 

  Dreamland

"Today as I awoke
I thought I saw you
Crying, heartbroken
Immediately I stiffened
Ready to the Rescue

Then, less fuzzy, I realized
Things were as they should be
And you were smiling, reassuring

Laughing, Relieved,
I sighed
And smiled too."

 

~ Lisa Marian Ames

An Honest Look Within...

Sometimes we need to pause and look at the lifestyle we've created for ourselves.  Questions: Does it bring me and my family joy and harmony, or disorganization and chaos?  Does it have us working so many hours we're constantly in a frenzy, or is it paced comfortably?  Are we doing what we really want to do, or are we biding our time?

Am I and those I love nurtured by our lifestyle?  Does it allow us to feel emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually healthy?  How about the mind/body connection?  Does it involve a level of stress that affects any of us adversely in the physical realm?

These questions are important, and they require honest self-evaluation and reflection.  If we find many positives, we're likely on the right track. 

But if we discover too many negatives, we must ask ourselves: What's the payoff?  Is what we are getting from this lifestyle worth the sacrifices we need to make to maintain it?

I submit that if not, it may just be time to think about changing direction.

How Can I Protect My Reputation?

I don't pretend to have the answer to this question, and I'm not even sure it's the right question to ask.  These days, if your life and/or career make it necessary for you to be "out there," swimming in the ocean of the Internet with millions of other web-fishes, you're bound to run into one or more sharks from time to time.  So the question is one of damage control and survival.

If you're basically a trusting person, you're even more at risk from the occasional Cyberspace bully.  But I don't advocate shedding your trusting nature in return for jaded cynicism.  Your trusting and somewhat idealistic nature are part of who you are, part of what makes you a genuine and authentic person who can truly be of service to others and the world.

So don't change you.  Just tweak your antennae a bit.  Learn, as you go along doing your thing, what to look out for.  In the meantime, if a shark -- once you've gotten smart to him/her -- tries to make you look bad, remember that those who know you won't believe a smear campaign about you anyway.  I read a line recently that said it perfectly, and I'm paraphrasing here: "Live in such a way so that if anybody were to say something bad about you, no one would believe it."  I just love that!  Those who would believe it... well, you wouldn't want them in your corner anyway!


Worrying about your reputation in this information age is largely a waste of time and energy, unless it reaches the level of legally actionable slander, libel, copyright infringement, etc.  In those extreme cases, of course you'll want to seek appropriate counsel to protect yourself and your work.


But if someone's just being nasty, hey! -- guess whose reputation is really being damaged?  Smart people see through smart alecks, so my advice is.... Relax and enjoy the show!  Above all, don't engage anymore with the person who's harassing you, and certainly don't sink to his/her level by retaliating back.  Take the high road, stay above the fray, and see how fast the bully and his/her tactics fade away.

 
THE PASSAGES OF PARENTHOOD....

Two days ago, on the 4th of July, my only child, my son Thomas, turned 24.  His steady progression into adulthood has me thinking and reflecting a great deal about all the transitions that have taken place since his birth -- in both his life and mine.

Parenthood is an amazing adventure, a journey we embark on with absolutely no idea of "what we're getting into" until we're well on our way.  I've been blessed to be a mother whose son has always made her proud and never made her worry for his safety. I don't take that for granted, for I know there are vast numbers of parents who only wish they could say the same.  If you are one such parent, rest assured there are ways to repair parent-child relationships.  Even when trauma has occurred.

I remember the day my son was born like it was yesterday.  I'd fervently wanted a girl, so the first "transition" I had to make when hearing he was a boy was that of acceptance.  Not a problem.  The second the nurse placed him in my arms I fell in love, and I've never looked back since....  


The first year, as any parent knows, is the one where you observe the most changes.  For a first-time parent, that is true of oneself as well as the baby.  Suddenly your routine changes, your life is not fully your own.  A helpless little creature relies on you for every need, for his very survival.  If you are married to the other parent of your child, as I was at the time, you hopefully have a partner with whom to share responsibilities.  If you have doting grandparents or other extended family around, you are extremely fortunate to have helping hands.... of course, this is assuming the adults are all emotionally healthy and place the child's needs first.


As Thomas grew through toddlerhood and preschool, I remember being amazed at each new word, step, activity he undertook.  In the early years of school I marveled at his ability to get along with his peers, and his curiosity about everything taught in class.  Math was what he lived and breathed from the very beginning, and it's the field he's working in today.  Amazing, isn't it, how a child's preferences and strengths can manifest so early on.


Middle and high school brought music and sports into the equation, and we discovered that Thomas was a runner.  He kept at it, competing not so much with others but with himself, all the way through his senior year.  What fun watching his track meets.... I never missed a one.


Then off to college... I remember it was pouring rain the day we dropped him off, and I sensed his trepidation though he put on a brave face.  I felt his nervousness.  Indeed, throughout his life I have felt both his pain and his joy.  It used to be that a tone in his voice could make or break my day, until I learned about boundaries, about the importance of letting him "own" his feelings, indeed "own" his life.  I learned I was not doing him any favors when I tried to "fix" his problems... actually, I was doing the opposite.  Of course I would always be there for him, but he had to begin to grow into adulthood, with all that entails.


But I did not really get over the empty-nest syndrome until Thomas's senior year of college.  Perhaps because by the time he went away I'd been a single parent for many years.  Suddenly I had lots of time to focus on my own life, and that was a bit scary.  What should I be doing, now that my son needed me less?  How would I fulfill my own life, outside of being a mother?  That was a huge transition for me.


After college Tom went on to grad school, and by now we were both accustomed to this new way of life.  But when grad school ended and it was time for him to enter the "real world" -- well, I think that was the biggest transition we had to face since he'd started preschool at age 3!


Now, in his first year out of school and working in his chosen field, Thomas realizes -- as do I -- how lucky he is (in our current economy) to have landed a job that is truly launching his career.  On the other hand, he's challenged by "Real World 101" -- how do you pick out a sofa?, how many exemptions should be claimed for tax purposes?, etc.  He's also challenged by the much less generous vacation time than university students get, as well as the 9 to 5 daily work routine.   

I am anticipating even more, and perhaps greater, challenges as Thomas progresses through these coming decades.  It seems that there is always another hill to climb, another river to cross.  But that's what I signed up for when I became a parent.  And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I'm sure anyone reading this who is a parent has just as many stories and memories to tell as I, no matter what stage of life your children are currently in.  Know that we're all in this together.  If you happen to be struggling with your children in any way or for any reason, there is help available in many forms.  As a certified life coach who's also a parent and a seasoned educator, I'd be more than happy to work with you, or refer you to another professional (such as a therapist or an M.D.) if more appropriate to your situation.


Please just reach out, for your child's sake as well as your own.  Would love to read reactions.  Please comment here.

~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC, "Designing Steps to Success"

 

OFFER BY SPECIAL INVITATION...

 

I'd like to invite my followers to take advantage of our current offer. Sign up for a one-hour life coaching session and get a free inspirational gift, selected just for you and the path you're on. Call 908-269-5631, email Lisa.marian8@gmail.com, or message me at our FB page, https://www.facebook.com/Pleasefind

I can't wait to help you "cross the bridge" to the awe-inspiring life you envision.

~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC
Designing Steps to Success......

http://lisalifecoach.com/

A Special Day on Two Fronts!

Happy Independence Day to the U.S.A. On this day in 1988, I had to miss the barbecue. That's because my son, Thomas, decided to make his entrance into the world with a bang, to a background of celebratory fireworks. Tom, you made me a mom 24 years ago today. The dividing line of my life.... I've loved you with all my heart ever since.

 

THE ROLLER COASTER OF LOVE

"It’s 7:30 p.m.

I don’t know where he is.

Cough.

My spit hits the computer keys.

Cough.

I want to hear the car.

I want to hear his steps.

I want to see his face.

I want to tell him everything’s okay.

I want to say, “I love you

  and nothing else matters.  Ever again.”

Cough.

I’m scared to hear the car.

I’m scared to hear his steps.

I’m scared to see his face.

I’m scared he won’t believe me.

I’m scared he’ll turn away.

I’m scared to not see his eyes.

I’m scared to not see his love.

Cough.

This shouldn’t be so much work

We laugh together

Play together

We dream Big

For ourselves and the World.

Lost time.

Lost life moments.

This cannot be

The way it is.

Suddenly

I get a hug

And your handsome, goofy smile

And your eyes are looking straight at me

And I whisper that I’m sorry.

And you whisper that you know.

And we both know

It wasn’t Only me.

 

And we know we’ve weathered

More than we bargained for.

For love.

And we’ll do it again

If we must.

And we both will do all we can

So we mustn’t."

~ Lisa Marian Ames

__________________________________________________

I wrote this as a way to calm myself down during and after a fight with my husband.  I never imagined I'd share it publicly, but in order to share what I've learned with others, it's important I be brutally honest about my own experience.  Since here we are in the season of weddings, it's a topic especially fitting to visit.

So what is this thing, a love relationship?  Why can it be the source of both the greatest joy and the lowest of lows?

Of course I'm not going to presume to answer these questions here.  But 

I would like to touch today just a bit on a few of the transitions we make when we enter a love relationship.  Not meant as a comprehensive treatise by any means, the following are a few thoughts that occur to me as I reflect today:

• We have to adjust to another person's ways -- the daily little "stuff" that makes up routines and habits.  This requires a need to compromise, and that means both people have to be willing to "give" a little -- or sometimes, a lot.

• We have to understand that actually living with another person requires a pretty darn steep learning curve.  Indeed, rather than being on the lookout for things we "don't like," we should be looking for things to "learn" about our loved one.

• We have to make sure that when we're with our loved one, we're responding to him or her, NOT reacting to the "ghost" of someone from a past relationship.  This is hugely important, because often people project onto a new relationship old "baggage" from an old one, and they end up in major conflicts over issues that are not even real.

• We have to remember that now, it's not just "I," it's "We," which means we must take into consideration the other person's wants, needs, likes, time constraints, etc.  However....

• We have to be sensitive to our loved one, without being too sensitive to every little nuanced remark or action on his or her part.  Overreaction spells disaster, and it may happen if we don't have enough self-esteem and confidence in ourselves.  This is key.  We may be in a couple, but we're still two individuals.  If one or both of the individuals is not strong and whole alone, this needs to be worked on.

• We need to learn to incorporate fun and laughter -- as much as possible -- into our new life together.  And it may sound trite, and much too simplistic, but.... we need to be nice to each other!  We need to pay attention to each other, talk to each other, be each other's best friend.

All of this takes time and energy when a relationship is new, but it's well worth it.  When transitioning into a new couple, individuals are challenged to push beyond their own personal "spheres of interest" and expand into a wider sphere which ultimately brings them much peace, joy, and a haven of safety.

If willing to put in the effort it takes, the two become each other's home.

Serenity Saturday and Sunday..... time to chill, let it go, relax with loved ones.  Time to stay calm, cool, and collected even while catching up on errands!  Time to reflect, recharge, and focus on helping yourself and others feel safe, protected and loved. 

What to Do When You're Faced with Sudden Job Loss through No Fault of Your Own

We're All in This Together

Our difficult economic climate has caused massive stress and struggle for many hard-working people. Small business owners who simply can't keep up, loyal employees sideswiped by unexpected layoffs, graduating college students who thought their studying and hard work would land them an immediate job, stay-at-home parents wishing to reenter the labor force -- these are just some of the folks who find themselves challenged by the thoughts: "What happened? What do I do now? How do I do it?" So the first thing I want to emphasize is that whichever category you belong to, remember that you're not alone. Just knowing this, and reminding yourself of this daily, will help. We're in it together.

It Isn't You...

A close corollary is the fact that your recession-induced lack of employment has nothing to do with you personally. You are not to beat up on yourself or to give up your personal power. Keep up your confidence and self-esteem so as not to sabatoge yourself. Daily you must tell yourself you're as "good" as anyone else, and besides, your employment status does not and must not define your worth as a human being.

Moving Forward

Of course you're going to feel badly for a while. Unemployment is a shock to the system. I know that from personal experience. Allow yourself some time for grief, anger, even envy. These are all natural human emotions. But at some point you need to leave the past behind. If there's the possibility of a return to your past position in the future, fine. But nothing you do NOW is going to accelerate that. A paradigm shift is required at this point. Now is the time to look at this phase of your life as a "blessing in disguise," an opportunity to embark on a grand new adventure. It's time to move forward. It's time to figure out what you can do now to get yourself going where YOU want to go! And that's a great thing.

How?

There are a few steps you can take to determine what path to follow next.

1. Decide whether you want or need to continue to work in the same field as before. If so:
2. Pursue any new skills or training you may need to make yourself more competitive in today’s market. Then network, network, network. Use social media as well as networking groups such as those you can easily find on meetup.com. Talk to everyone you know. Do the obvious -- update your resume, get business cards and other relevant promotional materials, and create your brand.
3. If not, and you can afford to take a bit of time for self-exploration, begin to brainstorm. Identify your true life passion. You may not have ever considered that your passion could parlay into the way you earn a living. Well, I'm here to tell you that it most certainly can. You need to be able to envision the life you crave and realistically determine how you can "cross the bridge" to get there. Then go back to step #2 and follow the same course of action described above.
4. In either case, it will be important for you to design your "steps to success" by creating a measurable action plan for yourself, and keeping a log of your daily progress. None of this is easy.  Most important, don't listen to naysayers. You'll need to believe in yourself. 

But I Need Some Guidance. Help!

For some lucky people, all of this is a piece of cake. They know exactly what they need to do, and they take on the challenge with great confidence and gusto. But many of us are bewildered. If we want to stay in our chosen field, we notice that many things have changed since the last time we had to job hunt. If we're new to the labor force, we have no experience navigating the waters of job hunting, let alone job hunting in a difficult economy. And certainly, if we wish to change direction by following our passion, we may not have the slightest idea where to begin. We may not even know what our true passion is, and we may need some help in discovering it.

Never Fear!

Life coaches, in particular Life Transitions Coaches, are here to help guide you down whatever path you decide you wish to follow, or even to help you discover what that path is. We're trained to ask the right questions so the answers become clear, and then to help you design your path. We help you weed out any negativity that may be standing in your way, and we celebrate with you even your smallest victories. Most importantly, we take the stance that "failure" is not an option. Once we commit to you, we see you through to achieving your goals.

 

I hope you'll join me here. Please comment. Let's get the conversation going! You're also, of course, welcome to contact me anytime via: my website, FB page, Twitter account, or email 

With Peace and Joy,

~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC, "Designing Steps to Success"

about.me/lisa_ames

SNEAK PREVIEW:  The next installment in this series about Life Transitions will focus on Adjusting to Being in a Relationship.  Look for it early next week.

A good friend once, when asked by a student what was the meaning of life, thought for a while and then replied, "The meaning of life is a life filled with meaning."  I was just thinking about this today, as I went about my "business" using the tools of social media, halfway asking myself why in the world this all seems so important.  Why do I spend hours a day trying to get my "message" out there, and why do so many others do the same?

I think partly it's because we do, indeed live in an information age, and we make many more connections than ever before possible by participating in Cyberspace.  I also think, in my case anyway, it's because I am truly excited by the adventure on which I've embarked.  I so want to share it with others, with people who are seeking their own unique passions, their own unique journeys.  This sharing, this reaching out to others, is how I create a life filled with meaning, and it gives me great joy.

So I think my friend was right.  When it boils right down to it, what can life truly mean but all of us sharing our unique gifts with one another, thus creating together a more harmonious, peaceful, and meaningful world?