THE ROLLER COASTER OF LOVE

"It’s 7:30 p.m.

I don’t know where he is.

Cough.

My spit hits the computer keys.

Cough.

I want to hear the car.

I want to hear his steps.

I want to see his face.

I want to tell him everything’s okay.

I want to say, “I love you

  and nothing else matters.  Ever again.”

Cough.

I’m scared to hear the car.

I’m scared to hear his steps.

I’m scared to see his face.

I’m scared he won’t believe me.

I’m scared he’ll turn away.

I’m scared to not see his eyes.

I’m scared to not see his love.

Cough.

This shouldn’t be so much work

We laugh together

Play together

We dream Big

For ourselves and the World.

Lost time.

Lost life moments.

This cannot be

The way it is.

Suddenly

I get a hug

And your handsome, goofy smile

And your eyes are looking straight at me

And I whisper that I’m sorry.

And you whisper that you know.

And we both know

It wasn’t Only me.

 

And we know we’ve weathered

More than we bargained for.

For love.

And we’ll do it again

If we must.

And we both will do all we can

So we mustn’t."

~ Lisa Marian Ames

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I wrote this as a way to calm myself down during and after a fight with my husband.  I never imagined I'd share it publicly, but in order to share what I've learned with others, it's important I be brutally honest about my own experience.  Since here we are in the season of weddings, it's a topic especially fitting to visit.

So what is this thing, a love relationship?  Why can it be the source of both the greatest joy and the lowest of lows?

Of course I'm not going to presume to answer these questions here.  But 

I would like to touch today just a bit on a few of the transitions we make when we enter a love relationship.  Not meant as a comprehensive treatise by any means, the following are a few thoughts that occur to me as I reflect today:

• We have to adjust to another person's ways -- the daily little "stuff" that makes up routines and habits.  This requires a need to compromise, and that means both people have to be willing to "give" a little -- or sometimes, a lot.

• We have to understand that actually living with another person requires a pretty darn steep learning curve.  Indeed, rather than being on the lookout for things we "don't like," we should be looking for things to "learn" about our loved one.

• We have to make sure that when we're with our loved one, we're responding to him or her, NOT reacting to the "ghost" of someone from a past relationship.  This is hugely important, because often people project onto a new relationship old "baggage" from an old one, and they end up in major conflicts over issues that are not even real.

• We have to remember that now, it's not just "I," it's "We," which means we must take into consideration the other person's wants, needs, likes, time constraints, etc.  However....

• We have to be sensitive to our loved one, without being too sensitive to every little nuanced remark or action on his or her part.  Overreaction spells disaster, and it may happen if we don't have enough self-esteem and confidence in ourselves.  This is key.  We may be in a couple, but we're still two individuals.  If one or both of the individuals is not strong and whole alone, this needs to be worked on.

• We need to learn to incorporate fun and laughter -- as much as possible -- into our new life together.  And it may sound trite, and much too simplistic, but.... we need to be nice to each other!  We need to pay attention to each other, talk to each other, be each other's best friend.

All of this takes time and energy when a relationship is new, but it's well worth it.  When transitioning into a new couple, individuals are challenged to push beyond their own personal "spheres of interest" and expand into a wider sphere which ultimately brings them much peace, joy, and a haven of safety.

If willing to put in the effort it takes, the two become each other's home.