THE PASSAGES OF PARENTHOOD....

Two days ago, on the 4th of July, my only child, my son Thomas, turned 24.  His steady progression into adulthood has me thinking and reflecting a great deal about all the transitions that have taken place since his birth -- in both his life and mine.

Parenthood is an amazing adventure, a journey we embark on with absolutely no idea of "what we're getting into" until we're well on our way.  I've been blessed to be a mother whose son has always made her proud and never made her worry for his safety. I don't take that for granted, for I know there are vast numbers of parents who only wish they could say the same.  If you are one such parent, rest assured there are ways to repair parent-child relationships.  Even when trauma has occurred.

I remember the day my son was born like it was yesterday.  I'd fervently wanted a girl, so the first "transition" I had to make when hearing he was a boy was that of acceptance.  Not a problem.  The second the nurse placed him in my arms I fell in love, and I've never looked back since....  


The first year, as any parent knows, is the one where you observe the most changes.  For a first-time parent, that is true of oneself as well as the baby.  Suddenly your routine changes, your life is not fully your own.  A helpless little creature relies on you for every need, for his very survival.  If you are married to the other parent of your child, as I was at the time, you hopefully have a partner with whom to share responsibilities.  If you have doting grandparents or other extended family around, you are extremely fortunate to have helping hands.... of course, this is assuming the adults are all emotionally healthy and place the child's needs first.


As Thomas grew through toddlerhood and preschool, I remember being amazed at each new word, step, activity he undertook.  In the early years of school I marveled at his ability to get along with his peers, and his curiosity about everything taught in class.  Math was what he lived and breathed from the very beginning, and it's the field he's working in today.  Amazing, isn't it, how a child's preferences and strengths can manifest so early on.


Middle and high school brought music and sports into the equation, and we discovered that Thomas was a runner.  He kept at it, competing not so much with others but with himself, all the way through his senior year.  What fun watching his track meets.... I never missed a one.


Then off to college... I remember it was pouring rain the day we dropped him off, and I sensed his trepidation though he put on a brave face.  I felt his nervousness.  Indeed, throughout his life I have felt both his pain and his joy.  It used to be that a tone in his voice could make or break my day, until I learned about boundaries, about the importance of letting him "own" his feelings, indeed "own" his life.  I learned I was not doing him any favors when I tried to "fix" his problems... actually, I was doing the opposite.  Of course I would always be there for him, but he had to begin to grow into adulthood, with all that entails.


But I did not really get over the empty-nest syndrome until Thomas's senior year of college.  Perhaps because by the time he went away I'd been a single parent for many years.  Suddenly I had lots of time to focus on my own life, and that was a bit scary.  What should I be doing, now that my son needed me less?  How would I fulfill my own life, outside of being a mother?  That was a huge transition for me.


After college Tom went on to grad school, and by now we were both accustomed to this new way of life.  But when grad school ended and it was time for him to enter the "real world" -- well, I think that was the biggest transition we had to face since he'd started preschool at age 3!


Now, in his first year out of school and working in his chosen field, Thomas realizes -- as do I -- how lucky he is (in our current economy) to have landed a job that is truly launching his career.  On the other hand, he's challenged by "Real World 101" -- how do you pick out a sofa?, how many exemptions should be claimed for tax purposes?, etc.  He's also challenged by the much less generous vacation time than university students get, as well as the 9 to 5 daily work routine.   

I am anticipating even more, and perhaps greater, challenges as Thomas progresses through these coming decades.  It seems that there is always another hill to climb, another river to cross.  But that's what I signed up for when I became a parent.  And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I'm sure anyone reading this who is a parent has just as many stories and memories to tell as I, no matter what stage of life your children are currently in.  Know that we're all in this together.  If you happen to be struggling with your children in any way or for any reason, there is help available in many forms.  As a certified life coach who's also a parent and a seasoned educator, I'd be more than happy to work with you, or refer you to another professional (such as a therapist or an M.D.) if more appropriate to your situation.


Please just reach out, for your child's sake as well as your own.  Would love to read reactions.  Please comment here.

~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC, "Designing Steps to Success"