“Reality TV – What’s the Deal?”

So, what to make of this phenomenon that’s been sweeping the airwaves for the last few years, namely Reality TV?

Personally, when the trend started I wanted nothing to do with it.  But here I am today, an openly out-of-the-closet Reality junkie.  How did this transformation take place?  Well, for one thing after dipping my toe in, I started to find some of the shows intriguing – admittedly, in a voyeuristic kind of way.  And I suspect that’s true of most who indulge.  While those who participate in the shows may be seeking 15 minutes of fame, those of us who watch are seeking 45 minutes of pure and delightful brain candy.  Escape.

Come to think of it, the economy may have more than a little to do with it.  We’re living in such uncertain times, many fearful for their livelihoods on a daily basis, and with all the tension that such an environment entails.

We need our “comfort” breaks, as much as schoolchildren like their milk and cookies.  This has always been true, and television has always satisfied a need to “get away from it all.”  The millions who enjoy watching sports on television experience temporary release from the daily grind, the never-ending responsibilities of daily life.  This is true of most TV, except notably the news.

But there’s another ingredient, I believe, in the new type of Reality shows – the Housewives of various cities, the Matchmaking mavens, the Cooking competitors, the Real Estate husslers.  In these, viewers see if they can identify in some way with the “cast” members.  Water cooler conversations often revolve around assessments of this one or that, and they’re not necessarily kind.

Some shows surely do lead to societal awareness of important issues – one show raised both domestic abuse and suicide.  When that kind of thing happens, the public education that takes place can have a positive ripple effect.

But for the most part, I believe the popularity of Reality TV today stems from a need on the part of stressed-out and perhaps slightly insecure viewers to nab a chance at feeling a bit superior, a bit smarter.  By watching these shows in the midst of the chaos that’s become our frenzied society, we can sit back – even if just for a moment – and have a chuckle at someone else’s expense for a change.  After all, they put themselves in that position, so we're not being too nasty.... are we?

Food -- Sustenance or Self-Sabatoge

I had a life coaching client recently whose presenting problem was that she didn't have the willpower not to overeat.  This client, who agreed to my telling her story as long as she remained anonymous, was not even near obese.  But she was, in middle age, finding it harder and harder to fit into the clothes she'd bought just a year earlier.  At first she had herself convinced that it was a medication side effect, but after months of struggling, she'd had to admit to herself that it was her own overeating and sedentary lifestyle that was making it impossible for her to lose weight.

Susan, we'll call my client, said it was the same story, day after day.  She'd start off in the morning with good intentions, setting in her mind a limit to how much she would eat that day (usually based on how "bad" she'd been the day before) and planning to do some sort of exercise.  By evening Susan was exhausted from her day -- even though (or rather, because) she hadn't gotten to exercise at all -- and she'd finally allow herself to plop down in front of the television.  Well now, somehow watching TV just wasn't the same without a bowl of ice cream.  And then, since she'd already "blown it," Susan moved on to cookies, chips, and whatever goodies she'd meant to deny herself.

Susan's great frustration stemmed from her feeling of powerlessness and helplessness -- her sense of being out of control when it came to her eating.  But as we dug deeper into what was really going on, we discovered that what Susan was actually doing with food was punishing herself.  Indeed, half the time she was gulping down fattening snacks she wasn't even hungry -- she was full!  And uncomfortable!  But she was using food as a tool to punish herself, day after day.  Because each time it happened, she just felt worse about herself, and often canceled plans for the next day for fear of what she'd look like.

Then we had to ask, but why?  Why was Susan punishing herself?  What was it that was so "bad" about her that she needed to hurt herself?  A bit more digging, and we found the root of the problem.  Susan was a perfectionist who had gotten into the habit, over the years, of expecting everything single task she did -- little or big -- to be perfect.  She also expected herself to accomplish an impossible number of tasks every day.  This was true both at work and at home.  When she inevitably failed to measure up to these self-imposed expectations, Susan sabatoged all her efforts to achieve... by overeating.

There was something else, too, at the root of the problem.  Fear.  Fear of both failure and success.  On the one hand, Susan feared that she wouldn't be able to accomplish her short- or long-term goals, and her overeating was a way of unconsciously proving herself right... that she was, what she considered, a "failure."  On the other hand, what she considered her unattractiveness shielded Susan from feeling any "outer success" was truly possible.  And to her mind, such success would necessarily force her to live up to yet higher and more impossible standards... something she dreaded.

When Susan finally figured out that food wasn't the real problem, she was able to gain a new perspective and create realistic goals for herself -- both in what she expected to achieve, work-wise, and vis-a-vis how to take better care of herself both emotionally and physically.  

Today she fits in a good many of her small-sized clothes.  But she no longer relies on her size to determine her happiness.

 "Single and Lonely?"

I was thinking today about how much my life has changed in the past two years.  That's because it's just over two years ago since I met my new husband, David.  But you see, this is a second marriage for both of us.  My first marriage ended in the early 1990s, so I spent many years (20, actually) as a single person.  I was also a mother raising a young son, and my focus was largely on making sure he grew up unscathed, indeed that he thrived.  Hurray!  That goal was met, and it was time for me, so said my friends, to focus on ME.

Easier said than done, as anyone in the single, dating world knows -- whether you're divorced, a widow, a parent, or never been in a long-term relationship at all.  Where to begin?  Especially if it's been a long time since you dipped your toes into the dating ocean out there!

First of all I'd call attention to the title of this piece.  Do you necessarily have to be lonely just because you're single?  I think that if I had felt lonely when I started "making myself available to meet men," I never would have met my match.  I know it's cliche, but I really believe (and know, through personal experience) that you have to be WHOLE yourself, comfortable with your solitude (vs. loneliness) in order to be able to find and thrive in a healthy relationship.

My attitude when I started out was, "Look, I have a wonderful, happy life.  I have a great son, wonderful parents and extended family, more than my fair share of friends, my health, and work that I love.  If I happen to meet a man and it works out, great... it will be icing on the cake.  If I don't, I'll still have this wonderful life I started out with."

Well, the ironic thing is that by approaching the "dating game" with that attitude, not only did I find a fabulous guy, but I learned that he is NOT the "icing on the cake."  He is a big, delicious, generous piece of the cake.

But you can't have that cake if you don't first have all the ingredients and recipes necessary to make yourself a healthful, nutritious first course meal.  Translation: Work on your "stuff" first, get your own house in order, and then you'll be ready to share it with just the right person... and you'll be in a position to know who that person is!

Happy Hunting... but here's to your happiness as you hunt!

Serenity Sunday is here! I was inspired to write this little "ditty" when I awoke this morning and looked over to my side:

WHO KNOWS BEST?

"Little Miss Hailey
Knows how to chill out.

Just ask her, she’ll tell you
Without any doubt

How to spend Sunday
With nary a care

Just taking it in
No worries, no hassles
No stresses, no scares

You see, Hailey knows
How to do this, she does
After years of research
With boxes and fuzz

'Serenity Sunday?'
Says she, clearly bored
I do it whenever I want,
Supine cat from the bed
Does roar."

"Navigating  Life's Transitions"

Metaphorical steps, roads, paths, doors, windows, stairs, bridges – they’re all a part of our lives’ journeys.  And they all represent transitions of sorts, many unexpected.  How do you make sense of things when you find yourself at a stage of your life where you never imagined you’d be?  How do you cope, adjust to a totally unforeseen circumstance?

Perhaps you’re single and lonely at an age when you thought you’d be part of a couple.  Perhaps you’re going through a devastating divorce, or even a custody battle.  Perhaps you’ve graduated from college and can’t find a job in your field.  Perhaps you’ve worked hard and been a loyal employee for many years, and you’ve been laid off just as you were about to retire, the rug pulled out from under you.   Perhaps your home is going into foreclosure or you’re facing the loss of your business.  Perhaps you have an illness that’s cramping your style, or someone you love is ailing, even dying.  Perhaps you’ve lost a beloved pet.

Or on the other hand… Perhaps you’ve just been married or entered a loving relationship.  Perhaps you’ve started a long-awaited family.  Perhaps you’ve moved to a great new area, purchased a new home that you love.  Perhaps you’re gainfully employed, have no financial worries, and you and your family are doing just fine.  You’re healthy, fit, and have everything you need.

The ironic thing is that any combination of scenarios in the above two descriptions can (and usually do) happen to all of us, at different times in our lives.  That’s because change is an integral part of life, and that’s just the way it is.  We ride a roller coaster of ups and downs, we all do – it’s part of the human condition.  Nothing stays the same.

So the question, again, is how do we deal with all this?  What are our reactions to outside circumstances?  Our emotions may range from depression to shock to anger, to anxiety and fear, to surprise and excitement, and ultimately to joy at the prospect of new opportunities for growth.  It’s almost a cliché, for sure, but I feel it’s so true that it bears repeating:  It’s not what happens on the outside, it’s how we respond on the inside that really matters.

Some folks are mighty adaptable.  They are the enviable ones who go with the flow, roll with the punches, take it on the chin and move forward.  They are confident that whatever comes their way they’ll be able to handle and come out stronger on the other end.

Then there are those – many – who have a much harder time.  When bad times come, these folks may accept “in their heads” that “this too shall pass” and better times will return, but they find it much more difficult to convince their hearts.  These are the folks who, though often very capable and intelligent, are also quite sensitive.  They seek to stay out of the kitchen when it gets too hot.  They’re not quite sure if they can handle the heat, although they’d like very much to think that they can.  They often enter a vicious cycle of berating themselves for “failing,” as well as failing to cope, which only makes the original situation worse.

But the good news is that there’s help.  In this day and age, we’ve come far enough in our knowledge of human emotions and psychology, and the mind/body connection, that those going through difficult times have available to them a plethora of resources to help steer them back to a happier road, no matter what’s going on in their lives.

There is a shed chockful of tools to ease the journey… indeed, to turn what may have seemed a severe stab in the back into the beginning of a whole new and more fulfilling life.  We need to at least be open to this possibility, for one never knows what awaits on the other side of the door that just closed with a bang behind us. 

It’s largely up to us, with a caring and helping hand if we need one… and then it’s what we make of it.