“Away from it All…?”

It’s always interesting to me what happens when I leave home for a bit.  Some of you know that my husband and I just returned from such an adventure.  Well, let me put it this way.  “Mixed Bag” is putting it mildly!

Have you ever noticed that both preparing to go and returning home are like the stale pieces of bread surrounding sumptuous sandwich fillings inside?  I don’t know about others, but I procrastinate when getting ready to leave and then stress out at the last minute.  Arriving home at the end of an idyllic week is worse!  I feel disoriented and discombobulated.  I know I have a million things to do, but I have no idea where to begin!  Telling myself, “One thing at a time” seems to do me no good on these occasions.  And the traveling… well, for some reason, the process of traveling appears to put us in the ripest state for arguing!  About the silliest things!

I find all this tremendously ironic, in that time spent away, in new surroundings and a change of scenery, is time intended for all good things – relaxation, reflection, the Great Outdoors, family, love, and fun.  And indeed, while on vacation, these are the moods we cherish and enjoy.

I guess I just wish that more of those feelings would last, that we wouldn’t even need to go away, that we could just – at will – summon up the best of what’s within us and each other.  I suppose my goal would be to be able to more often take a mini-vacation from all the “busy-ness” in our lives, right in our own backyard.

And I guess that the more I think about it, the more I know it is possible.  One just has to make being, listening, laughing, loving, and soaking in the moment a priority.  If all that is already on the list, it needs to move to the top of the list.  This is what we've already begun to do, and we're already reaping the benefits.

Anyone care to join us in this every-day's-an-adventure venture?

 

How Can We, Together, Create a More Compassionate World?

Obviously, this question is of such great magnitude that I would never presume to have a neat little answer.  However, I've been thinking that maybe there are baby steps we can take -- just a beginning, to build greater compassion into our lives and the lives of others.  Once we take these steps, we may think of other steps, until a groundswell domino effect for the better is in full swing.  Call me an idealist, but here's my contribution -- just a few starting points:



1. Teach our children well.  Make caring about others, especially others less fortunate, as high a priority in the curriculum as math and reading.  Require community service of all our young people before they graduate, from high school and/or college.


2. Model what we say.  It's not enough to talk about compassion and tolerance.  We need to align our actions, on a daily basis, with this noblest of core values.  Is there someone we know -- or don't know -- who could use a helping hand?  Is there a cause that we feel deeply about?  Can we make a financial contribution or a contribution of our time and energy?  The more people set the example, the more others -- young and older alike -- will be motivated to follow suit.


3. When choosing our life's work, we should consider not only what it may do for our own pocketbooks, but also what it will contribute to society at large.  We need to ask ourselves the ultimate question:  What do I want my legacy to be?


4. We must show compassion and caring toward ourselves.  When we are too harsh on ourselves, too judgmental, we automatically become that way with everyone around us.  We expect perfection, and that is not possible.  Indeed, it is the practice of compassion that will lead us the closest we can get to perfection.


5. Act with kindness at home, for "home is where the heart is," and everything flows from there.  If we consciously treat our loved ones with respect and dignity, we (and they) will gradually and automatically extend that type of behavior out into our neighborhoods, communities, and society at large.




So, I challenge us to work on these five "baby steps," to begin the process of creating greater peace, harmony, and compassion in our world.  They're only the beginning.  I'd love to hear more ideas, and ways we can do even more once we have them mastered!




                                                   ~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC 

 

  Dreamland

"Today as I awoke
I thought I saw you
Crying, heartbroken
Immediately I stiffened
Ready to the Rescue

Then, less fuzzy, I realized
Things were as they should be
And you were smiling, reassuring

Laughing, Relieved,
I sighed
And smiled too."

 

~ Lisa Marian Ames

An Honest Look Within...

Sometimes we need to pause and look at the lifestyle we've created for ourselves.  Questions: Does it bring me and my family joy and harmony, or disorganization and chaos?  Does it have us working so many hours we're constantly in a frenzy, or is it paced comfortably?  Are we doing what we really want to do, or are we biding our time?

Am I and those I love nurtured by our lifestyle?  Does it allow us to feel emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually healthy?  How about the mind/body connection?  Does it involve a level of stress that affects any of us adversely in the physical realm?

These questions are important, and they require honest self-evaluation and reflection.  If we find many positives, we're likely on the right track. 

But if we discover too many negatives, we must ask ourselves: What's the payoff?  Is what we are getting from this lifestyle worth the sacrifices we need to make to maintain it?

I submit that if not, it may just be time to think about changing direction.

How Can I Protect My Reputation?

I don't pretend to have the answer to this question, and I'm not even sure it's the right question to ask.  These days, if your life and/or career make it necessary for you to be "out there," swimming in the ocean of the Internet with millions of other web-fishes, you're bound to run into one or more sharks from time to time.  So the question is one of damage control and survival.

If you're basically a trusting person, you're even more at risk from the occasional Cyberspace bully.  But I don't advocate shedding your trusting nature in return for jaded cynicism.  Your trusting and somewhat idealistic nature are part of who you are, part of what makes you a genuine and authentic person who can truly be of service to others and the world.

So don't change you.  Just tweak your antennae a bit.  Learn, as you go along doing your thing, what to look out for.  In the meantime, if a shark -- once you've gotten smart to him/her -- tries to make you look bad, remember that those who know you won't believe a smear campaign about you anyway.  I read a line recently that said it perfectly, and I'm paraphrasing here: "Live in such a way so that if anybody were to say something bad about you, no one would believe it."  I just love that!  Those who would believe it... well, you wouldn't want them in your corner anyway!


Worrying about your reputation in this information age is largely a waste of time and energy, unless it reaches the level of legally actionable slander, libel, copyright infringement, etc.  In those extreme cases, of course you'll want to seek appropriate counsel to protect yourself and your work.


But if someone's just being nasty, hey! -- guess whose reputation is really being damaged?  Smart people see through smart alecks, so my advice is.... Relax and enjoy the show!  Above all, don't engage anymore with the person who's harassing you, and certainly don't sink to his/her level by retaliating back.  Take the high road, stay above the fray, and see how fast the bully and his/her tactics fade away.

 
THE PASSAGES OF PARENTHOOD....

Two days ago, on the 4th of July, my only child, my son Thomas, turned 24.  His steady progression into adulthood has me thinking and reflecting a great deal about all the transitions that have taken place since his birth -- in both his life and mine.

Parenthood is an amazing adventure, a journey we embark on with absolutely no idea of "what we're getting into" until we're well on our way.  I've been blessed to be a mother whose son has always made her proud and never made her worry for his safety. I don't take that for granted, for I know there are vast numbers of parents who only wish they could say the same.  If you are one such parent, rest assured there are ways to repair parent-child relationships.  Even when trauma has occurred.

I remember the day my son was born like it was yesterday.  I'd fervently wanted a girl, so the first "transition" I had to make when hearing he was a boy was that of acceptance.  Not a problem.  The second the nurse placed him in my arms I fell in love, and I've never looked back since....  


The first year, as any parent knows, is the one where you observe the most changes.  For a first-time parent, that is true of oneself as well as the baby.  Suddenly your routine changes, your life is not fully your own.  A helpless little creature relies on you for every need, for his very survival.  If you are married to the other parent of your child, as I was at the time, you hopefully have a partner with whom to share responsibilities.  If you have doting grandparents or other extended family around, you are extremely fortunate to have helping hands.... of course, this is assuming the adults are all emotionally healthy and place the child's needs first.


As Thomas grew through toddlerhood and preschool, I remember being amazed at each new word, step, activity he undertook.  In the early years of school I marveled at his ability to get along with his peers, and his curiosity about everything taught in class.  Math was what he lived and breathed from the very beginning, and it's the field he's working in today.  Amazing, isn't it, how a child's preferences and strengths can manifest so early on.


Middle and high school brought music and sports into the equation, and we discovered that Thomas was a runner.  He kept at it, competing not so much with others but with himself, all the way through his senior year.  What fun watching his track meets.... I never missed a one.


Then off to college... I remember it was pouring rain the day we dropped him off, and I sensed his trepidation though he put on a brave face.  I felt his nervousness.  Indeed, throughout his life I have felt both his pain and his joy.  It used to be that a tone in his voice could make or break my day, until I learned about boundaries, about the importance of letting him "own" his feelings, indeed "own" his life.  I learned I was not doing him any favors when I tried to "fix" his problems... actually, I was doing the opposite.  Of course I would always be there for him, but he had to begin to grow into adulthood, with all that entails.


But I did not really get over the empty-nest syndrome until Thomas's senior year of college.  Perhaps because by the time he went away I'd been a single parent for many years.  Suddenly I had lots of time to focus on my own life, and that was a bit scary.  What should I be doing, now that my son needed me less?  How would I fulfill my own life, outside of being a mother?  That was a huge transition for me.


After college Tom went on to grad school, and by now we were both accustomed to this new way of life.  But when grad school ended and it was time for him to enter the "real world" -- well, I think that was the biggest transition we had to face since he'd started preschool at age 3!


Now, in his first year out of school and working in his chosen field, Thomas realizes -- as do I -- how lucky he is (in our current economy) to have landed a job that is truly launching his career.  On the other hand, he's challenged by "Real World 101" -- how do you pick out a sofa?, how many exemptions should be claimed for tax purposes?, etc.  He's also challenged by the much less generous vacation time than university students get, as well as the 9 to 5 daily work routine.   

I am anticipating even more, and perhaps greater, challenges as Thomas progresses through these coming decades.  It seems that there is always another hill to climb, another river to cross.  But that's what I signed up for when I became a parent.  And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I'm sure anyone reading this who is a parent has just as many stories and memories to tell as I, no matter what stage of life your children are currently in.  Know that we're all in this together.  If you happen to be struggling with your children in any way or for any reason, there is help available in many forms.  As a certified life coach who's also a parent and a seasoned educator, I'd be more than happy to work with you, or refer you to another professional (such as a therapist or an M.D.) if more appropriate to your situation.


Please just reach out, for your child's sake as well as your own.  Would love to read reactions.  Please comment here.

~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC, "Designing Steps to Success"

 

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I can't wait to help you "cross the bridge" to the awe-inspiring life you envision.

~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC
Designing Steps to Success......

http://lisalifecoach.com/

A Special Day on Two Fronts!

Happy Independence Day to the U.S.A. On this day in 1988, I had to miss the barbecue. That's because my son, Thomas, decided to make his entrance into the world with a bang, to a background of celebratory fireworks. Tom, you made me a mom 24 years ago today. The dividing line of my life.... I've loved you with all my heart ever since.

 

THE ROLLER COASTER OF LOVE

"It’s 7:30 p.m.

I don’t know where he is.

Cough.

My spit hits the computer keys.

Cough.

I want to hear the car.

I want to hear his steps.

I want to see his face.

I want to tell him everything’s okay.

I want to say, “I love you

  and nothing else matters.  Ever again.”

Cough.

I’m scared to hear the car.

I’m scared to hear his steps.

I’m scared to see his face.

I’m scared he won’t believe me.

I’m scared he’ll turn away.

I’m scared to not see his eyes.

I’m scared to not see his love.

Cough.

This shouldn’t be so much work

We laugh together

Play together

We dream Big

For ourselves and the World.

Lost time.

Lost life moments.

This cannot be

The way it is.

Suddenly

I get a hug

And your handsome, goofy smile

And your eyes are looking straight at me

And I whisper that I’m sorry.

And you whisper that you know.

And we both know

It wasn’t Only me.

 

And we know we’ve weathered

More than we bargained for.

For love.

And we’ll do it again

If we must.

And we both will do all we can

So we mustn’t."

~ Lisa Marian Ames

__________________________________________________

I wrote this as a way to calm myself down during and after a fight with my husband.  I never imagined I'd share it publicly, but in order to share what I've learned with others, it's important I be brutally honest about my own experience.  Since here we are in the season of weddings, it's a topic especially fitting to visit.

So what is this thing, a love relationship?  Why can it be the source of both the greatest joy and the lowest of lows?

Of course I'm not going to presume to answer these questions here.  But 

I would like to touch today just a bit on a few of the transitions we make when we enter a love relationship.  Not meant as a comprehensive treatise by any means, the following are a few thoughts that occur to me as I reflect today:

• We have to adjust to another person's ways -- the daily little "stuff" that makes up routines and habits.  This requires a need to compromise, and that means both people have to be willing to "give" a little -- or sometimes, a lot.

• We have to understand that actually living with another person requires a pretty darn steep learning curve.  Indeed, rather than being on the lookout for things we "don't like," we should be looking for things to "learn" about our loved one.

• We have to make sure that when we're with our loved one, we're responding to him or her, NOT reacting to the "ghost" of someone from a past relationship.  This is hugely important, because often people project onto a new relationship old "baggage" from an old one, and they end up in major conflicts over issues that are not even real.

• We have to remember that now, it's not just "I," it's "We," which means we must take into consideration the other person's wants, needs, likes, time constraints, etc.  However....

• We have to be sensitive to our loved one, without being too sensitive to every little nuanced remark or action on his or her part.  Overreaction spells disaster, and it may happen if we don't have enough self-esteem and confidence in ourselves.  This is key.  We may be in a couple, but we're still two individuals.  If one or both of the individuals is not strong and whole alone, this needs to be worked on.

• We need to learn to incorporate fun and laughter -- as much as possible -- into our new life together.  And it may sound trite, and much too simplistic, but.... we need to be nice to each other!  We need to pay attention to each other, talk to each other, be each other's best friend.

All of this takes time and energy when a relationship is new, but it's well worth it.  When transitioning into a new couple, individuals are challenged to push beyond their own personal "spheres of interest" and expand into a wider sphere which ultimately brings them much peace, joy, and a haven of safety.

If willing to put in the effort it takes, the two become each other's home.