“Friends… and Friends”

 by Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC

I’ve been thinking about friendship lately.  It came sharply into focus the evening, a few weeks ago, when my husband and I met some dear old friends for dinner.  We hadn’t seen them for almost a year, and the four hours we spent with them could not have been more fun, more uplifting to the very core.

Why, I often ask myself, don’t I make it a point to see such close friends more often?  I think the answer is at least two-fold, but insufficient to ease my regret.  For one thing, I moved enough of a geographic distance two years ago to make the logistics of getting together with friends more difficult, especially since I also remarried and have been adjusting to life as part of a “couple” again after many years of being single.  For another, because of the move (in with my husband, obviously), I have now found myself in the position of trying to make new friends closer to my new home.

But does any of this diminish the precious nature of friendship – new or old – or lessen the importance of close friendship in one’s life?  Hardly.  It therefore becomes a necessary balancing act – too often neglected or lost in the tension and flurry of activity of everyday life – to figure out ways to fan the flames of old friendships while at the same time pouring one’s energy into forging new ones.  And often, when one has recently moved, this dichotomy presents a conflict.  One has only so much time and energy.  I realize that I’ve tended to focus more on keeping in touch with family, “growing into” my new home and new work… and friendships have inadvertently taken a back seat.  But now that I’ve noticed this, I intend to do my best to rectify it.  

At the same time, as much as it pains me to admit this to myself, I’m going to have to let certain “friends” go, and let go of any guilt associated with doing so.  After all, let’s face it – there are friendships and there are friendships.  We know, deep down, which are real, which are the friendships that truly enrich our lives.  We also know which are based on convenience more than commonality, workplace rather than kindred spirit, Facebook and other social media but not true face-to-face interaction.  In short, in order to focus more on true friendships, I’ll simply have to spend less personal capital on pursuing acquaintances.

Trying to keep up with too many “so-called” friends – even those who never reciprocate (and we all have those!) – left me feeling exhausted, torn, and frustrated.  And then it dawned on me – that is NOT what friendship’s supposed to be about!  What I need to do – for both my sake and my true friends’ – is to step back, take a deep breath, and let things flow… the way they’re supposed to.  The people with whom I’d like to develop or maintain friendships are not going anywhere.  They’re always with me, just like the friends we dined with those weeks ago.  Just like the childhood friends I saw at a mini-reunion this past weekend, some of whom I hadn’t seen in years.  And just like the lovely new neighbors I’m meeting right here in Panther Valley – with whom I’m already beginning to feel a special kinship.

 
Friendship.  It certainly is precious, and deserving of a prominent place in our lives.  It adds to the happiness quotient.  And when true and real, it’s downright love-ly.

 “Money Matters… But How Much?” 

Recently I’ve been pondering this thing about “keeping up with the Joneses.”  If I'm happy with my own life, why would I want the “things” that are simply external…. to someone else’s?  And if I’m not happy, doesn’t it make more sense to figure out what my vision for my own life is, and take steps to create it, rather than simply copying someone else’s?

Beyond having enough to cover my own and my family’s daily basic needs (and enough extra for some fun), I no longer (and never really did) feel that my happiness depends on “how much” I have or “how fancy” it appears.  I’ve spent my life judging myself and (perhaps naively) assuming society judged me by my actions and my character, not my possessions or net worth.

Although I never cared what kind of car you were driving, or how big and expensive your house was compared to mine, I admit I used to worry a lot more about money than I do now.  Having survived the recession but endured job loss (i.e. “security”) like so many others, I have had to boldly shift how I viewed the financial part of life.  So many Americans have been through worse than I.  Partly that is because of my professional background and stage in life.  And indeed I’m one of the lucky ones, with a great support system of friends and family around me.  But I still had to deal with my ego and “identity” – which had for long depended partially around what I did for a living and how much money I made.

I also had to deal with fear.  I used to see money as a shield against other things that scared me.  What if this happened, or if that happened?  Well, if there were enough money we’d somehow be able to deal with it.  I still know that money is a necessary tool for living and, if not the only solution to hard times, certainly can help enormously in making it through them.  Having a “cushion” definitely adds peace of mind, especially when looking toward one’s golden years.

Although it’s been quite challenging, I feel I’ve grown in many ways as a result of this difficult transition.  I’ve learned that accepting a somewhat smaller financial “cushion” is not as bad a tradeoff as I’d first imagined.  Ironically, I now find I have a larger “cushion” against the stress inherent in participating in the rat race!   Again, I know that I’m fortunate to afford the choice I’ve made to seek fulfillment – at least for now – through self-employment, and this has proven extremely rewarding.  I’ve found I have an affinity for a simpler lifestyle than the one I had been used to.  I’ve had the opportunity to learn new things I didn’t have time for before; I’ve even learned to rejoice in the love of two precious pets – something I didn’t make time for since my adolescent years.  And I’ve learned to treasure, more than ever, the people closest to me.

All in all, I guess what I’m saying is that although “keeping up with the Joneses” in the sense of “conspicuous consumption” was never that important to me, I still harbored the same financial anxieties and concerns that most of us do.  But after living for some time with the shock of having “the rug pulled out from under me” following many years of working for others, I chose not to let circumstances defeat me.  With time and lots of support from wonderful people, I decided to figure out what my vision for the rest of my life really is – by examining my highest core values and priorities.  I took steps to create my own career and personal “collage,” by crafting together the best materials and skills I’d accumulated over the years from a wide range of varied work, life experiences, and passions.  The journey is ongoing.  I’m so glad to be both captain and passenger, and I look forward to a world full of exploration.