“Friends… and Friends”

 by Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC

I’ve been thinking about friendship lately.  It came sharply into focus the evening, a few weeks ago, when my husband and I met some dear old friends for dinner.  We hadn’t seen them for almost a year, and the four hours we spent with them could not have been more fun, more uplifting to the very core.

Why, I often ask myself, don’t I make it a point to see such close friends more often?  I think the answer is at least two-fold, but insufficient to ease my regret.  For one thing, I moved enough of a geographic distance two years ago to make the logistics of getting together with friends more difficult, especially since I also remarried and have been adjusting to life as part of a “couple” again after many years of being single.  For another, because of the move (in with my husband, obviously), I have now found myself in the position of trying to make new friends closer to my new home.

But does any of this diminish the precious nature of friendship – new or old – or lessen the importance of close friendship in one’s life?  Hardly.  It therefore becomes a necessary balancing act – too often neglected or lost in the tension and flurry of activity of everyday life – to figure out ways to fan the flames of old friendships while at the same time pouring one’s energy into forging new ones.  And often, when one has recently moved, this dichotomy presents a conflict.  One has only so much time and energy.  I realize that I’ve tended to focus more on keeping in touch with family, “growing into” my new home and new work… and friendships have inadvertently taken a back seat.  But now that I’ve noticed this, I intend to do my best to rectify it.  

At the same time, as much as it pains me to admit this to myself, I’m going to have to let certain “friends” go, and let go of any guilt associated with doing so.  After all, let’s face it – there are friendships and there are friendships.  We know, deep down, which are real, which are the friendships that truly enrich our lives.  We also know which are based on convenience more than commonality, workplace rather than kindred spirit, Facebook and other social media but not true face-to-face interaction.  In short, in order to focus more on true friendships, I’ll simply have to spend less personal capital on pursuing acquaintances.

Trying to keep up with too many “so-called” friends – even those who never reciprocate (and we all have those!) – left me feeling exhausted, torn, and frustrated.  And then it dawned on me – that is NOT what friendship’s supposed to be about!  What I need to do – for both my sake and my true friends’ – is to step back, take a deep breath, and let things flow… the way they’re supposed to.  The people with whom I’d like to develop or maintain friendships are not going anywhere.  They’re always with me, just like the friends we dined with those weeks ago.  Just like the childhood friends I saw at a mini-reunion this past weekend, some of whom I hadn’t seen in years.  And just like the lovely new neighbors I’m meeting right here in Panther Valley – with whom I’m already beginning to feel a special kinship.

 
Friendship.  It certainly is precious, and deserving of a prominent place in our lives.  It adds to the happiness quotient.  And when true and real, it’s downright love-ly.

 “Money Matters… But How Much?” 

Recently I’ve been pondering this thing about “keeping up with the Joneses.”  If I'm happy with my own life, why would I want the “things” that are simply external…. to someone else’s?  And if I’m not happy, doesn’t it make more sense to figure out what my vision for my own life is, and take steps to create it, rather than simply copying someone else’s?

Beyond having enough to cover my own and my family’s daily basic needs (and enough extra for some fun), I no longer (and never really did) feel that my happiness depends on “how much” I have or “how fancy” it appears.  I’ve spent my life judging myself and (perhaps naively) assuming society judged me by my actions and my character, not my possessions or net worth.

Although I never cared what kind of car you were driving, or how big and expensive your house was compared to mine, I admit I used to worry a lot more about money than I do now.  Having survived the recession but endured job loss (i.e. “security”) like so many others, I have had to boldly shift how I viewed the financial part of life.  So many Americans have been through worse than I.  Partly that is because of my professional background and stage in life.  And indeed I’m one of the lucky ones, with a great support system of friends and family around me.  But I still had to deal with my ego and “identity” – which had for long depended partially around what I did for a living and how much money I made.

I also had to deal with fear.  I used to see money as a shield against other things that scared me.  What if this happened, or if that happened?  Well, if there were enough money we’d somehow be able to deal with it.  I still know that money is a necessary tool for living and, if not the only solution to hard times, certainly can help enormously in making it through them.  Having a “cushion” definitely adds peace of mind, especially when looking toward one’s golden years.

Although it’s been quite challenging, I feel I’ve grown in many ways as a result of this difficult transition.  I’ve learned that accepting a somewhat smaller financial “cushion” is not as bad a tradeoff as I’d first imagined.  Ironically, I now find I have a larger “cushion” against the stress inherent in participating in the rat race!   Again, I know that I’m fortunate to afford the choice I’ve made to seek fulfillment – at least for now – through self-employment, and this has proven extremely rewarding.  I’ve found I have an affinity for a simpler lifestyle than the one I had been used to.  I’ve had the opportunity to learn new things I didn’t have time for before; I’ve even learned to rejoice in the love of two precious pets – something I didn’t make time for since my adolescent years.  And I’ve learned to treasure, more than ever, the people closest to me.

All in all, I guess what I’m saying is that although “keeping up with the Joneses” in the sense of “conspicuous consumption” was never that important to me, I still harbored the same financial anxieties and concerns that most of us do.  But after living for some time with the shock of having “the rug pulled out from under me” following many years of working for others, I chose not to let circumstances defeat me.  With time and lots of support from wonderful people, I decided to figure out what my vision for the rest of my life really is – by examining my highest core values and priorities.  I took steps to create my own career and personal “collage,” by crafting together the best materials and skills I’d accumulated over the years from a wide range of varied work, life experiences, and passions.  The journey is ongoing.  I’m so glad to be both captain and passenger, and I look forward to a world full of exploration.

“Ruminations, Reflections...”

As we face the start of a brand new year, I keep thinking about the wisdom of a wonderful quote by Abraham Lincoln: “It’s not the years in your life that matter, it’s the life in your years.”

This, in turn, reminds me of a former high school teacher I know who, rushing between classes one day was stopped by a student who asked him in all earnesty, “What is the meaning of life?”  My friend, for once speechless, told the student to meet him after the next period although he had no idea what he would say.  When he saw the boy again, without even thinking he heard himself reply, “To me, the meaning of life is to live a life of meaning.”  I love that story!

But what, exactly, is a life of meaning?  The answer, of course, varies from person to person.  Life holds so many options and choices.  We who are fortunate to be able to pursue our dreams are both grateful and ambivalent about having the luxury to ask ourselves, “What should I do?  How can I be of best service both to myself and others?”

Themes related to the human condition, challenges we face, and transitions we go through – both our uniqueness and interconnectedness – fascinate me.  Perhaps it’s my background as an educator and life coach that’s led me to ponder, both inwardly and with others, philosophical observations and questions about human nature and what motivates us to make the choices we make at all stages of our lives.  We constantly face forks in the road and wonder if we should change course.  Those of us who wish to contribute to society at large may ask ourselves what we want to be remembered for.  “What imprints do I want to leave behind, so that I can feel that my life made some kind of a difference, however small, for the greater good?”

Sometimes it’s planned out – when college students think about choosing a career, when adults decide (or are forced) to change careers, when retirees think about how to fill the next chapter of their lives… even when school children and teens get together in groups to work on projects of community service.  Sometimes it's spontaneous -- those "random acts of kindness" we hear so much about.

Some people find meaning in giving of themselves directly – healing the sick, raising the young, caring for the elderly.  Others find meaning in advocacy or charitable activity – promoting the health of our planet, participating in social and/or political action regarding causes important to them, or even amassing enough material wealth to be able to contribute substantially to philanthropic organizations.  The question for each of us is: “What is MY calling?  Is there a little voice in my head urging me to get involved, to do more?  Is it time to heed that inner voice?”

Not to say that it’s easy to determine what path to follow, what type of mark one wants to make.  But small as each of our individual “legacies” may be, each is important and creates unimaginable ripple effects.  I invite anyone who’d like to explore these topics further to join me in this ongoing and fascinating conversation.  One never knows how the sharing of insights and experiences can lead to greater understanding all around.

In the meantime, I’d like to wish a Happy 2013 to all, and to thank my followers for joining me in my own journey of the past year.  I hope to get to know many more of you in the coming year!

~ Lisa Marian Ames, M.P.S., CPC

“There’s Something in the Air”

As I write this, the colors of fall are quickly fading and leaves are drifting in the wind.  But somehow, in a peculiar way, certain other things are coming more sharply into focus.  Storm Sandy reminded many of us to count our blessings and not take as much for granted.  The colder weather (where I live) and shorter days have brought with them the corresponding holiday season and all its inherent busyness.  Even the animals seem more alert, as if to guard us from Nature’s threats they know more intimately than do we.

We just went through a national election, a referendum on directions Americans want our country to take.  Though clearly still divided in many ways, citizens have made their differing voices heard in a way that not many expected.  Whatever one’s political views and whether one is pleased with the results of the vote or not, we have witnessed – and I believe must celebrate – the participation and engagement in the democratic process of so many concerned individuals.  That, in itself, brings focus and proof that we all do care about this great nation of ours.  In my opinion we need to continue our activism between elections so that many of our societal and economic problems – both domestic and international – can be addressed in a spirit of bipartisan collaboration.

What else is going on?  Indeed, the air seems to be abuzz these days, with activity and energy.  Perhaps it’s partly because we’ve finally let go of the “carefree” days of summer and entered full swing into the “serious” part of the year – children have their studies, sports, clubs, and many other activities to keep them (and us) occupied.  Parents have their hands full keeping everyone safe, fed, and warm while also chauffering kids around and helping them with homework.  High school seniors are starting the process of applying to college or figuring out alternative routes to pursue.  Many of us are busy with work, friends, picking up the pieces after unexpected challenges, helping our own parents, grown children or other relatives, and bracing ourselves for the winter months right around the corner.

What will this winter be like?  Some in the northeast hope for mercifully mild weather, others want to go skiing and actually find some snow!  If we’re lucky, we look forward to vacations – and perhaps visits to warmer places where we may find a respite from the cold.  Grandparents and grandchildren enjoy their cozy, happiest of times together, with cookies baking in the oven and bedtime stories passed down through the generations.  I remember the one my grandfather told me when he tucked me in at night – looking back, it was a silly story, one he’d made up, but it put me to sleep feeling thoroughly loved, cherished, and adored every time.  I told it to my own son when he was small, with the same result.  I hope someday he’ll tell it to his children and grandkids.

As I look ahead to 2013, I’m sure the new year will usher in certain changes – both at home as well as in the “outside world.”  Let us resolve to embrace positive energy, joy, and commitment to growth as each one of us, in our own way and according to our own talents, contributes what we can to create an ever more uplifting society where people reach out their hands to one another both in good times and bad.

“Season’s Turning Point”  

Ah, September… a peculiar time of year, sort of.  When you think about it, so many other months of the year just sort of blend into and out of one another.  But not September.  September is like the start of a new chapter in a book.  Maybe even the first chapter.  For even though it is not technically the start of a new year, September for many of us represents just that.

With September comes the end of summer – barbecues, swimming pools, day camp, family vacations, outdoor special events(!), and brutally hot weather.  With September comes the start of noticeably shorter and cooler days (usually!), the smell of crisp, fall-like air.  Strolls around the valley.  Bike rides.  The first glimpse of color in the trees.

Most of all, September signals children going back to school.  Trips to the store for bookbags and school supplies.  Take out the cooler weather clothing.  Pack healthy food snacks in lunch boxes.  See who the new teachers are, and whether Mom and Dad will still be able to help with this year’s homework!

September feels to most of us like getting back to the old routine.  Some folks experience this as a relief, others as a letdown.  We may head back to the gym after a couple of months spent outdoors.  We may resume going to the movies rather than to all those picnics and water amusement parks.  We may start serving soup instead of so many exotic salads.

To me it’s always seemed not coincidental that immediately following September comes the long season of monthly holidays, right through to Memorial Day.  We need something to look forward to on a regular basis, and with the passing of summer that’s especially true.  So we get Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanza, New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Passover, April Fool’s, and even more sprinkled throughout.

Oh well, on this bittersweet occasion of the year’s book turning a page, I think of the refrain from the old song – “To everything, turn, turn, turn….  There is a season, turn, turn, turn…..”  Furthermore, who knows what exciting times await us in the coming year?  I, for one, am eager, enthusiastic, and more than ready to find out!

I trust you are as well!

“Reality TV – What’s the Deal?”

So, what to make of this phenomenon that’s been sweeping the airwaves for the last few years, namely Reality TV?

Personally, when the trend started I wanted nothing to do with it.  But here I am today, an openly out-of-the-closet Reality junkie.  How did this transformation take place?  Well, for one thing after dipping my toe in, I started to find some of the shows intriguing – admittedly, in a voyeuristic kind of way.  And I suspect that’s true of most who indulge.  While those who participate in the shows may be seeking 15 minutes of fame, those of us who watch are seeking 45 minutes of pure and delightful brain candy.  Escape.

Come to think of it, the economy may have more than a little to do with it.  We’re living in such uncertain times, many fearful for their livelihoods on a daily basis, and with all the tension that such an environment entails.

We need our “comfort” breaks, as much as schoolchildren like their milk and cookies.  This has always been true, and television has always satisfied a need to “get away from it all.”  The millions who enjoy watching sports on television experience temporary release from the daily grind, the never-ending responsibilities of daily life.  This is true of most TV, except notably the news.

But there’s another ingredient, I believe, in the new type of Reality shows – the Housewives of various cities, the Matchmaking mavens, the Cooking competitors, the Real Estate husslers.  In these, viewers see if they can identify in some way with the “cast” members.  Water cooler conversations often revolve around assessments of this one or that, and they’re not necessarily kind.

Some shows surely do lead to societal awareness of important issues – one show raised both domestic abuse and suicide.  When that kind of thing happens, the public education that takes place can have a positive ripple effect.

But for the most part, I believe the popularity of Reality TV today stems from a need on the part of stressed-out and perhaps slightly insecure viewers to nab a chance at feeling a bit superior, a bit smarter.  By watching these shows in the midst of the chaos that’s become our frenzied society, we can sit back – even if just for a moment – and have a chuckle at someone else’s expense for a change.  After all, they put themselves in that position, so we're not being too nasty.... are we?

Food -- Sustenance or Self-Sabatoge

I had a life coaching client recently whose presenting problem was that she didn't have the willpower not to overeat.  This client, who agreed to my telling her story as long as she remained anonymous, was not even near obese.  But she was, in middle age, finding it harder and harder to fit into the clothes she'd bought just a year earlier.  At first she had herself convinced that it was a medication side effect, but after months of struggling, she'd had to admit to herself that it was her own overeating and sedentary lifestyle that was making it impossible for her to lose weight.

Susan, we'll call my client, said it was the same story, day after day.  She'd start off in the morning with good intentions, setting in her mind a limit to how much she would eat that day (usually based on how "bad" she'd been the day before) and planning to do some sort of exercise.  By evening Susan was exhausted from her day -- even though (or rather, because) she hadn't gotten to exercise at all -- and she'd finally allow herself to plop down in front of the television.  Well now, somehow watching TV just wasn't the same without a bowl of ice cream.  And then, since she'd already "blown it," Susan moved on to cookies, chips, and whatever goodies she'd meant to deny herself.

Susan's great frustration stemmed from her feeling of powerlessness and helplessness -- her sense of being out of control when it came to her eating.  But as we dug deeper into what was really going on, we discovered that what Susan was actually doing with food was punishing herself.  Indeed, half the time she was gulping down fattening snacks she wasn't even hungry -- she was full!  And uncomfortable!  But she was using food as a tool to punish herself, day after day.  Because each time it happened, she just felt worse about herself, and often canceled plans for the next day for fear of what she'd look like.

Then we had to ask, but why?  Why was Susan punishing herself?  What was it that was so "bad" about her that she needed to hurt herself?  A bit more digging, and we found the root of the problem.  Susan was a perfectionist who had gotten into the habit, over the years, of expecting everything single task she did -- little or big -- to be perfect.  She also expected herself to accomplish an impossible number of tasks every day.  This was true both at work and at home.  When she inevitably failed to measure up to these self-imposed expectations, Susan sabatoged all her efforts to achieve... by overeating.

There was something else, too, at the root of the problem.  Fear.  Fear of both failure and success.  On the one hand, Susan feared that she wouldn't be able to accomplish her short- or long-term goals, and her overeating was a way of unconsciously proving herself right... that she was, what she considered, a "failure."  On the other hand, what she considered her unattractiveness shielded Susan from feeling any "outer success" was truly possible.  And to her mind, such success would necessarily force her to live up to yet higher and more impossible standards... something she dreaded.

When Susan finally figured out that food wasn't the real problem, she was able to gain a new perspective and create realistic goals for herself -- both in what she expected to achieve, work-wise, and vis-a-vis how to take better care of herself both emotionally and physically.  

Today she fits in a good many of her small-sized clothes.  But she no longer relies on her size to determine her happiness.